At first, things go great. Dinner, movies, kisses and of course, sex. Lots of it. As if the entire world has disappeared and all that is left is the passion of the moment. And then comes the knife to the heart, he says "I don't want anything serious right now" or "You know this is just sex, right?" and instantly the floating balloon of hoping deflates as I realize that this is unfortunately NOT my long awaited Knight, but just another Asshole in Aluminum Foil.
So how do I choose to respond to this revelation that has just wreaked havoc on the whimsical relationship I have just imagined and oversold to myself mentally? I do the opposite of what I should do. Instead of saying "Whatever, you're an asshole, get the fuck out of my life" somehow I always manage to convince myself that he just doesn't know what he wants yet. WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES? Even if he didn't know what he wanted yet, why the hell would I want to be with someone who hasn't figured out such a primal aspect of being human? Instead of continuing the search for the guy we're meant to be with, we settle for some asshole because he might sometimes make us feel good about ourselves, but only on special occasions.
“It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.” ― Greg Behrendt
Moving along, so I eventually left that particular jerk and kept meandering through the swamp with even less hope than before, just moving aimlessly, not caring if I managed to reel anything in. Then once again, BAM! I get that spark between myself and another person -- my imagination goes wild. Don't get me wrong, I am not the type to start planning a wedding on the first date, or eagerly wait by the phone for a guy to call, in all actuality, I don't feel that humans are meant to even be monogamous (I'll save that rant for another time) but to have a partner to explore sexuality and human interaction WITH. I have grown past such pointless obsessions that only cause stress and heartache. What I haven't gotten past, is thinking that I am the exception to the rule! Each time, I end up convincing myself that I can change him, eventually he will want me. By telling myself this, I have not only justified his actions but also firmly placed a stamp of approval on his inability to validate the relationship.
“We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you”
― Greg Behrendt
At this juncture, I have entered into a roundabout of typical dating disasters, and keep exiting into the same scenario -- friends with benefits. Sure, at first it's fun, but then feelings get involved. No matter what you do, that scenario always ends with someone getting hurt, and in my case, it's usually me.
So what does one do when realizing that once again, the cycle has begun? Well, I guess the best thing to do is to realize that he just might not be into you, and move the fuck on! (Easier said than done right?) Here comes Justification #2! Well, the sex is really great, I'll just keep this going until I find the right guy for me. That is where I am sitting right now. I cannot ignore reality forever but for now, I just want to live the fairy tale for a little bit longer.
“We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.” ― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Now, here comes the extremely fucked up part about ALL of this. As I sit and think about all of this stuff, I consider a new possibility -- I don't want a relationship either! Each time I finally manage to get into a relationship, looking back, I have unintentionally found a way to pick apart each one until it was beyond repair.. Instead of hyper-focusing on why HE won't validate the relationship, or label it, or tell me that I'm "his girl" why not just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is? I am never going to get back the time that I have spent worrying, stressing, nagging or any of the other countless ways that we as women have given ourselves a bad name. However, I can make the most out of each minute that is approaching. That's what life's about isn't it? Who was it that decided that I need a man to validate my feelings and make me feel good? It's called SELF-ESTEEM! Really, having a friend with the proper "pleasure tools" that also has the same interests and doesn't care how much of a geek I am, that seems like a pretty good deal to me.
Sorry Hollywood, you didn't win this time. This adorakable girl puzzled this one out until she found her way back to her roots again.
